I guess to
start I need to apologize for my absence. A lot has happened over the past
while and so much has changed. When I began writing this blog, I wanted to
expose my eating disorder. I never wanted my presence in triathlon to be
mistaken for anything other than what it was; a sick girl who used her love of
triathlon to train both her mind and her body. Sometimes she abused this love when
life became difficult. However, she felt she could always turn to her sport
when she needed an outlet, and used it to explain to others the difficulties presented
to individuals overcoming an eating disorder.
Today, I
went on a long run. My Garmin battery died, but truthfully I had stopped
looking at my pace long before it died. Sunday, at least for the past few
weeks, has been my hard run day. But not this week. I could try and explain why
I didn’t run above threshold today. Maybe it was the late nights this week? Maybe
it was fatigue? Or maybe it was my lack of motivation? Whatever the cause, I
listened to my body. And you know what? I don’t regret it. It was an absolute
treasure of a run. Filled with little adventures along a path I have run many
days prior; but one that never grows old. Afterwards, I was supposed to swim.
Well, in truth I meant to swim at 6am. But again for whatever reason, I slept
in today. I rescheduled the swim to 11am, and then to 3pm. I can’t say I always
have or always will have, the luxury of a flexible schedule. But while I do; I
will take full advantage of it. I know there will come a day when I won’t have this
flexibility. I know there will be workouts where I will need to swim/bike/run
past my limits. I know there will be days when I am exhausted, and will still
have to hustle. But not today. Today, I
am taking that step back and re-filling the tank.
Over this
past year, I’ve learned to accept the downtime as a necessity. How can I give
when I never take? How can I push hard if I’ve exhausted all of my energy?
There are many right now who are knee deep in work, knee deep in hard sessions,
and knee deep in emotionally draining situations; but I am not one of them. I
feel a bit strange, almost a lack of accomplishment if I’m not the one who is working
the longest hours, pushing themselves far beyond their manageable limit. This year
and this new phase in my training has taught me to accept that it is ok to not
be on the verge of breaking all of the time. Pushing yourself to your breaking
point is not always commendable, just as holding yourself back is not always
commendable. It is the timing of these actions. Periodization is not only something
to be desired if you want to work optimally at specific moments; periodization
is required.
I guess
this blog post is proof of just how effective ED recovery can be if you allow it
to be. This journey goes well beyond maintaining a specific weight. I think if
I’m being honest, this whole process of losing myself (both figuratively and
literally) and finding my way “back to health”, has been more than just getting
back to physical health. This journey has been about coming to a field where both
peace and acceptance grow wild and forming my own path. The longer I walk this
path, the more I begin to realize that this journey will never be just about my
physical body. Along this journey, I’ve also come to see that the more fuel I
give to the fire that heats my life with passion, love, and acceptance; the
less the expectations that society places on me seem to matter. The less
attention I give to pleasing others, to moulding myself into what I think
others will perceive as “perfection” or “wonderful” or “intelligent”, the more I
feel whole. So much of my disorder came from a lack of control. My fears came
from traumatic experiences and realizing I had no idea who I was or what I
wanted to be. Most of all, this disorder grew out of a lack of acceptance; both
of myself and my circumstances. My life may have deviated from the path I though
I saw myself walking, but that never meant that I could not walk in another
direction.
I read a
really great quote the other day from TLC’s:
What NOT To Wear host Stacy London. She said, “At 47, I’m
finding my trouser pockets are filled with fewer and fewer f**ks”. I feel nothing
could be closer to my truth. The less I care about what others believe to be
true about my life, the more I am able to live my own life. Nothing has made me
happier than to live my life how I see fit. I think so often people feel committed
to holding onto labels and roles. External pressures feel so overpowering and we
accept these pressures as truth, regardless of whether or not they are our truth. We are in no way obligated
to be the same people we were five minutes ago; nor are we obligated to live
our lives for other people. I say, give yourself the freedom and the love to
grow into the person you desire to be. Giving your time and energy into someone
else’s dream is draining, and eventually that drain will empty you completely.
Let me
throw out an analogy. You are going to a dinner party, and the host asks you to
bring homemade bread. However, you have no flour. Now let’s substitute money for
acceptance, the flour as self-love and the bread as being the love you can
express to others. To bring positive energy and show love for others, you have
to first love yourself. But the only way to even start loving who you are is
accepting yourself in the present moment and accepting your past decisions. Acceptance
does not mean repetition; it means acceptance. Rejecting our authentic self and
playing roles we never desired to play does not foster self-love and it
certainly doesn’t foster self-acceptance. Instead, it fosters a false sense of
acceptance and burdens us with heavy layers. Layers which we feel must be
maintained for fear of exposing our naked and authentic self.
This brings
me to me next topic: self-love. Self-deprecating humour is always my go-to
humour, especially when I feel uncomfortable or quite simply because I never
take myself too seriously. However, I have come to realize that there is a line
that divides self-deprecation and self-loathing, and I dare not cross it again. I view my body like I view my family. I don’t
always have to like them, but I will always
love them. Always. Similarly, I
will always love myself. I have softer edges, less-than-smooth skin, weird
fingers and toes and I would love to be better in every discipline I train. I
have yet to be the most intelligent person in a room, and I take far too long
to understand academic questions. I also talk; a lot, and I really don’t like
my voice. I make really weird faces. Speaking of my face, I can’t play poker
effectively to save my life. But with all of these self-described “flaws”, I
know these things are what I am. I am perfectly imperfect, and that is just how
it needs to be. I don’t need to be perfect to deserve a rest or deserve to have
fun. I don’t need to be anything other than myself to deserve my own love. As long
as I am striving to be compassionate, empathetic and kind; I do not see any
other conditions from which self-love should stem. I have yet to find another realization
more freeing.
This leads
me to my last message. I am finally free. After so much searching, I have found
the key to freeing myself from the prison I was in. I have come to realize that
there is no key, nor was there ever a key. I could always get up and leave the
self-imposed prison, and I will always be free to leave that prison at anytime
if I find myself back in that cell. That doesn’t mean that leaving this prison
was or ever will be close to easy. In fact, it is really f**king hard. If I’m
being honest, I doubt there will ever be another experience more taxing on the
mind or the body. I can’t say I don’t struggle some days to free myself of my
own chains. However, I am so lucky to have the support that I do. People who
remind me to look for the best in others and myself. In heart-wrenching moments,
these people remind me to look for the the lessons beneath all of the negative
emotions. Pain, anger, and sadness are heavy memories to carry. But hope,
happiness, and love; these are light memories. Lessons learned will always be lighter weights to carry through life than the pain which might have originally
packaged them.
Thank you,
for following along. I’m not advocating that my life or my recovery is how all
recovery is, should be or needs to be. I am only shining light upon one story;
my story. I hope if you’re struggling, my story has helped you to realize that
you are not the only one and you are not alone. This will be my last post; at
least for a long while. I don’t know where I’m going to go from here. Perhaps
I’ll continue with academia or maybe I will grow further in the sport of triathlon.
Perhaps I will stop both or maybe I will come back to this place of writing
about life and finding funny gifs. But no matter where I go, I know that I am
always growing and that I cannot give to others if I never allow myself to
receive. I need to love myself before I begin to love anyone else. From this
place of peace and acceptance, happiness and love can grow. So, in a super
long-winded way (some things never change), I want to say I wish you peace and
love, and remind you that you are never alone. I will still have my Instagram and
my Twitter; feel free to follow or reach out if you ever find you are
struggling, feeling alone or need someone to talk to.
Before I sign of, please remember:
Cheers,
Meghan